Identify and change passive-aggressive behavior.
Let’s face it. We’ve all engaged in passive-aggressive behavior at some point, consciously or unconsciously. It’s often easier to avoid confronting someone or expressing our feelings to another person and just signal to them in other ways that we aren’t happy about something they did, didn’t do, said or didn’t say.
If left unchecked, passive-aggressive behavior can become our default to expressing negative feelings, and it can grow to the point where we use it to manipulate other people to our desired outcome without making our position known and discussing things openly and honestly.
At work, passive-aggressive behavior can reduce team productivity through procrastination, intentional inefficiency, collaborative avoidance, lack of engagement and poor communication. It can also negatively affect company culture by building frustration, resentment, drama and tension. It’s everyone’s responsibility in an organization to keep their own passive-aggressive behavior in check and identify and stop the passive-aggressive behavior of colleagues.
So, to keep things in check, let’s do a quick self-assessment…
Do you deny your true feelings yet hint at your discontent through subtle verbal or visual cues (i.e. irritability, sighing, sulking, snarkiness, moving things around loudly, etc.)?
Do you deny your true feelings yet signal your discontent to another person by not speaking or responding to their messages, avoiding them or giving them the silent treatment?
Do you deny your true feelings yet punish another person by responding to their requests with sarcasm or subtle digs, giving them backhanded compliments, working against them (secretly hoping things don’t go their way), intentionally procrastinating or acting inefficiently, or engaging in sabotaging behavior (i.e. hold an event when you know someone you want to secretly punish cannot attend)?
Do you scorekeep in your head the times you’ve been wronged by others to justify your behavior towards them?
Do you vent to third parties to blow off steam, criticizing others and complaining about being wronged, underappreciated, undervalued, etc., but you don’t address the issue(s) directly?
Do you notice that people overly placate you?
Do you evade, deflect or minimize issues?
Do you have difficulty engaging in direct and meaningful conversations?
If you answered “yes” to any of the behaviors above, there are a few things you can do to change your passive-aggressive behaviors:
Work on becoming more self-aware – for a particular situation, identify your passive aggressive behavior(s) and find the root cause. Why are you frustrated, resentful or upset? How can you bring the conflict or issue to full resolution and no longer harbor these emotions?
Give yourself grace and build a support system – change happens in small steps over time, so give yourself grace as you recognize and alter your patterns and reactions. Practice and seek feedback from trusted people in your life or find a therapist to help you.
Practice expressing yourself and empathizing with others – learn different approaches to communicate what’s on your mind directly and honestly. If in-person communication is difficult, first practice expressing yourself in writing. Also, put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see what it’s like to be on the receiving end of your passive-aggressive behavior.
Let go of things that are out of your control.
Flip the script- Strive to assume positive intent from others. Instead of scorekeeping and dwelling on the wrongs, track and focus on the rights, where you feel happy and are being appreciated and valued.
Whether you answered “yes” or “no” to the self-assessment questions, you can help others overcome their passive-aggressive behaviors. In fact, if you answered “yes,” you may actually be in a better position to help others with your tendencies, since you are able to relate. Here’s how:
Recognize the signs from the self-assessment.
Stay calm and recognize that the person is experiencing a negative emotion.
Engage the person in a non-judgmental way and model clear communication (i.e. “You seem to be upset that I asked you to get the report to me today. Do you want to discuss it further?”).
Allow the person to verbalize and work through their feelings and concerns.
If they deny that they’re feeling upset, give them room to work it out on their own (what’s important is that you brought awareness to the behavior and planted the seeds to allow them to think through it further).
When you state how you feel, what you want and what you mean openly and honestly, you strengthen trust and communication in your personal or professional relationships. You learn that it is okay to disagree, to share your feelings and to have differing points of view. It feels awkward at first, but over time, you will grow accustomed to it. You will notice that more people want to be around you. And, you will become more highly respected in the long run.