Stop people pleasing at your own expense.

If you have a hard time asserting yourself, confronting others or saying “no,” you may have the tendency to people-please.

Everyone wants to be liked, but there is a difference between wanting to be liked and needing to be liked.  When you need to be liked, you will go to great lengths to satisfy the needs of others, often at your own expense.  Over time, a pattern of self-neglect will develop, leaving you drained and stressed.

To break the pattern, it is helpful to practice self-reflection and self-assertion. 

Self-reflection:

• Stall for time.  When someone asks something of you, let the person know that you will get back to them.  Don’t be pressured into giving them an answer right away. 

• Let the request resonate with you.  Is it something you truly want to do, or are you saying “yes” just to appease the other person? 

• Assess how the request makes you feel- happy, honored, annoyed, stressed, worried?  Listen to what your emotions are telling you.  If they are positive, it’s likely you are genuinely doing it to feel good, to help, to return a favor or to earn a favor. If they are negative, it may mean that you fear rejection or retribution, or the person is taking advantage of your generosity.

Self-assertion:

• Respond decisively.  Following self-reflection, practice responding to requests in a decisive tone and avoid apologizing or making excuses.

• Practice saying “no.” Get over the fear of saying “no” by starting with smaller requests that don’t align with your best interest.  If needed, say “no” via text messages at first and then work your way up to saying “no” in person. 

• Work on expressing your own needs.  Don’t be hesitant to ask others for help when needed. 

• Recognize that you have constraints.  Don’t be shy about communicating and safeguarding them.

As you practice self-reflection and self-assertion, you will gain confidence in your ability to decipher kindness from people-pleasing; you will establish a healthy balance in your relationships; and you will remember that acting in the best interest of all includes yourself.