The subtle ways you diminish your power.
“Sorry for the delayed response.”
“I’m sorry to bother you…”
Does this sound like you? If so, you have the unfortunate habit of over apologizing, even for things that are out of your control.
Why do we do this? Usually, it is because we need reassurance or positive validation from those in our work or social circles. Apologizing has been proven to increase our likeability, so we often use it when we are insecure or as a way to check-in with the other person. We’re hoping they will not only say that there is no need to apologize but follow it with a positive validation. This feedback loop becomes so ingrained in us that we do it constantly, even in the most mundane situations.
Picture this, you’re in the grocery store, and you’re blocking a shelf with your cart. A woman comes around the corner and tries to get an item off the shelf you are blocking. You say, “Oh, I’m so sorry I’m in the way.” Her response might be “No worries at all. You are good.” Subconsciously, that “You are good” is the very positive reassurance that fuels our self-worth. Mindboggling, isn’t it?
Now, this might be harmless when speaking with strangers, whom we’ll likely never to see again. However, over apologizing can be detrimental when it comes to colleagues, family and friends because, when done repeatedly, it signals to them that you are not confident in who you are, and therefore, they should not place their confidence in you. And what’s more, you make yourself out to be more blameworthy. “It must have been Kristen, after all she’s the one always apologizing.”
Another subtle way you diminish your power is invalidating your own contributions to a discussion by saying things like “I’m really not an expert…” “You know better than me…” “Am I making any sense…” “Take this with a grain of salt…”
Why do we do this? It is often a sign that we don’t feel qualified; we don’t feel good enough; or we don’t have faith in our own ideas.
Imagine you’re in a management team meeting, and everyone is brainstorming ways to restructure the company. You say, “You all know better than me, but I would place the service organization under Tim because…” You just lost the trust of the entire room with how you prefaced that statement. In fact, most probably tuned out before they even heard your recommendation.
These habits may seem subtle, but in constantly seeking approval, permission or validation, we are diminishing our own power. We are weakening our impact. We are invalidating our beliefs. And, we are slowly making ourselves insignificant. So, rather than saying, “I’m sorry.” Practice saying, “Thank you,” instead.
“Thank you for your patience.” (Instead of “Sorry for the delayed response.”)
“Thank you for your time.” (Instead of “I’m sorry to bother you.”)
And, rather than questioning or qualifying our contributions to a discussion, just come right out and express your ideas. Often the most creative thinking comes from those who are not experts in the subject matter being discussed, but rather those thinking from an outside perspective. You are at that table for a reason… it’s time to own it!